The London Prat

Royal Feud Expected to Run Until William Dies of Heart Attack and Stress, Tabloids Fear Harry May Eventually Run Out of Things to Apologise For Fleet Street Orders Champagne, Hires Retired Hostage Negotiator and Books the Fortieth Diana Anniversary Early LONDON — Prince William has said no again. According to a Yahoo Entertainment report, he has reportedly turned down another chance to make up with Prince Harry before the thirtieth anniversary of Princess Diana's death, so the brothers are every bit as estranged as they were last week. Courtiers are concerned. Courtiers are always concerned, it's most of the job. The tabloid trade, meanwhile, has reportedly ordered enough champagne to float a medium-sized aircraft carrier, though nobody can say why you'd want to. The whole business has become Britain's most reliable renewable resource. Wind turbines stop when the wind drops, and solar panels sulk from October to March, but two princes in separate houses, each declin...

Supermarket forecasts a healthier festive season, leaving millions to face Uncle Derek's political opinions in full mental clarity LONDON, ENGLAND - Tesco has predicted a healthier Christmas, with shoppers showing growing interest in low-alcohol and alcohol-free drinks, an unprecedented challenge for British families who've always survived the festive season on carefully rationed sherry. Britain's biggest supermarket has raised its annual profit forecast while reporting resilient consumer spending and rising demand for alternatives to traditional booze, The Guardian reports. Tesco says the shift is real, which is a polite way of saying the lager aisle is shrinking and the kombucha aisle is not. The news will delight health-conscious shoppers. It has caused rather more anxiety among people who've already agreed to spend four consecutive days with their relatives. Christmas Without Alcohol Requires an Entirely New Strategy For generations, a British Christmas has ru...

Palace Introduces Joint Custody of Princess Diana's Memory, With William Getting the Remote and Harry Getting Tuesdays Royal Department of Maternal Recollections Rules That Prince Harry Must Apply Six Weeks in Advance to Remember His Own Mother, While William Keeps Christmas, Birthdays, Weekends and Every Commercially Valuable Childhood Experience LONDON, October 9, 2026 | Buckingham Palace has been dragged into a fresh row over who controls Princess Diana's memory, after reports that Prince Harry is considering a documentary about his late mother. The entirely satirical Department of Maternal Recollections has responded by introducing Britain's first hereditary system of emotional property rights. The row follows StyleCaster's reporting on a possible Diana documentary and Meghan Markle's rumoured involvement. Harry's interest in anniversary projects has been reported, but no documentary has been formally confirmed. Reports also say William has turned down c...

London Woman Reaches 30 Without Boyfriend, Finally Lowers Standards From Prince Charming to Man With Valid Driving Licence After rejecting 847 perfectly reasonable men, London singleton demands to know where all the good ones have gone, while several hundred good men explain they have been waiting three years for her to reply LONDON — Britain's romantic crisis has reached a historic turning point after a 30-year-old woman from Clapham announced she was prepared to lower her dating standards from a handsome millionaire with emotional intelligence, perfect teeth and a holiday home in Tuscany to a man who has a valid driving licence and can put together an IKEA wardrobe without crying. The announcement follows growing concern about women struggling to find lasting relationships, highlighted by a recent New York Post report on the difficulties of modern dating. Britain's version of the problem is, if anything, more advanced. Women can't find suitable men. Men can't work...

London Men Accused of Fearing Commitment, Men Explain They've Committed to Mortgages, Car Payments and Fantasy Football Without Any Difficulty London bachelors reject claims of emotional cowardice, pointing to 30-year mortgages, five-year car loans and lifelong loyalty to football clubs that haven't rewarded them since childhood LONDON — Britain's single men have angrily rejected accusations that they fear commitment, producing mortgage agreements, car finance contracts, gym memberships and fantasy football records to show they are perfectly capable of maintaining long-term relationships with anything that doesn't ask how they feel. The row began when a London relationship expert accused modern men of commitment phobia, apparently overlooking the huge number who have voluntarily agreed to pay £2,000 a month for a three-bedroom house in an area where the last decent pub closed in 2017. "I'm committed to a mortgage until 2054," said Richard Palmer, a 36-...

Piddington Residents Ask Government About 1,256 Migrants, University Student Responds With Goethe, Faust and Nazi Germany Oxfordshire villagers wanted answers about a proposed asylum centre. A student newspaper delivered a German literary tragedy, a warning about fascism and absolutely no information about the plumbing. PIDDINGTON, OXFORDSHIRE - A small English village has discovered that questioning government immigration policy is no longer merely a political activity. According to the intellectual framework laid out in “Faust in Piddington” in The Boar, it may also be a symptom of a profound moral collapse, best understood through German literature, the Faust legend and the rise of Nazism. The residents had hoped to discuss a rather smaller problem. The British government was proposing to accommodate up to 1,256 male asylum seekers at a former military installation near Piddington, a village of roughly 350 people. The villagers wondered whether this was sensible. The government ...

Corporation ends a beloved consumer show while inventing exciting new ways to tell licence-fee payers to stop expecting what they paid for LONDON, ENGLAND - The BBC has announced plans to axe Radio 4's long-running consumer programme You and Yours, apparently deciding that 56 years of helping ordinary people survive British bureaucracy was quite enough. The programme is among several facing the chop as the corporation chases substantial savings and redirects money towards new formats for digital audiences and podcasts, The Guardian reports. The BBC also plans to develop a refreshed consumer programme, which is a bit like selling you a new umbrella after confiscating the old one in the rain. It raises a fascinating philosophical question. What happens when an organisation funded by the public decides the public's favourite programmes are getting in the way of serving the public? The answer, naturally, involves a restructuring committee. The BBC Identifies the Problem With Co...