CeltExit Divides the Royal Family Four Ways
CeltExit Divides the Royal Family Four Ways and Gives Everyone Custody of Prince Andrew on Alternate Weekends
Britain’s breakup negotiations stall after Scotland requests the Crown, Wales demands the feathers and England refuses the difficult relative
By Morag Sinclair | London
LONDON — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered its royal phase after organisers associated with CeltExit.com, CeltExit.uk and reports that UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England must divide the monarchy, royal residences and ceremonial relatives as part of the constitutional settlement.
The CeltExit Royal Assets Commission said the monarchy could remain shared among the four successor nations, provided each government receives equal access to crowns, carriages and balcony appearances.
“We are not abolishing the monarchy,” explained commission chair Lady Constance Visitation. “We are developing a flexible royal subscription service.”
Under the proposal, the King would remain head of state in England, Scotland, Wales and whichever Northern Irish arrangement survives the wording committee.
His Majesty would deliver four separate Christmas broadcasts.
Each would contain the same message but use different scenery, national flowers and levels of apology.
The Crown Jewels would remain in London, although Scotland has requested the Stone of Destiny, Wales wants the Prince of Wales feathers and Northern Ireland has asked that all royal symbols arrive with reversible packaging.
Scotland Demands Its Own King on Tuesdays
Scotland intends to retain the monarchy while emphasising that its monarch is King of Scots rather than King of Scotland.
Officials said the distinction is constitutionally essential and almost certain to be misunderstood by every foreign television network.
The King would attend the opening of the Scottish Parliament, Highland Games and official ceremonies involving swords too large for modern health-and-safety guidance.
Edinburgh has requested exclusive royal access every Tuesday and alternate weekends.
England objected because several major horse races occur on Tuesdays.
Negotiators proposed remote monarchy, allowing the King to open Scottish public buildings through video link while attending English events physically.
Scottish nationalists who oppose the monarchy have demanded that Scotland receive its fair share before abolishing it.
They argue that refusing royal assets merely because they reject royalty would allow England to retain too much hereditary privilege.
Holyrood therefore intends to claim one quarter of the palaces, jewellery and ceremonial uniforms, then hold a public consultation on whether to sell them to fund a Ministry of Republican Transition.
Balmoral will remain in Scotland but may be charged an annual Foreign Monarch Occupancy Levy.
Wales Wants Prince of Wales Returned Unopened
Wales has requested control over the title Prince of Wales.
Cardiff officials argue that the title cannot continue being assigned by England without Welsh approval.
A National Title Allocation Panel will examine whether future princes possess adequate linguistic awareness, environmental credentials and experience attending rugby matches without checking the score beforehand.
One proposal would replace the hereditary title with an elected position.
Candidates would campaign across Wales, promising to protect the language, promote tourism and wear ceremonial feathers responsibly.
The winner would serve for five years or until photographed purchasing a holiday cottage.
Welsh republicans want the title abolished.
Welsh royalists want it preserved.
The government’s compromise is to retain the title, remove the prince and appoint twelve community coordinators to perform its duties.
Royal visits to Wales will continue under the Shared Sovereign Cultural Attendance Agreement.
Each visit must include a school, a factory and one windswept outdoor location where nobody can hear the speech.
Northern Ireland Requests Monarch in a Plain Grey Suit
Northern Ireland’s relationship with the Crown will require diplomatic precision.
Unionists want the monarchy retained visibly.
Nationalists prefer an Irish constitutional future.
The CeltExit commission has proposed that the King visit Belfast wearing a plain grey suit without medals, sashes or accessories capable of being interpreted from more than one historical direction.
Royal events will use neutral floral arrangements.
Crowns will remain inside padded boxes.
The national anthem may be replaced with the sound of chairs being moved carefully.
Official photographs will show the King standing in front of a beige curtain approved by both communities.
A cross-community monarchy panel will determine whether royal portraits may appear in government buildings.
One option allows buildings to display the portrait on a rotating frame.
Another places it behind a small door opened only during designated constitutional hours.
Belfast officials insist the arrangement will be straightforward after the first twenty years.
England Receives Buckingham Palace and the Repair Bill
England will inherit Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and several thousand rooms requiring roofs, heating and staff capable of explaining why a corridor is historically important.
The English Treasury initially celebrated the assets.
Officials stopped celebrating after seeing the maintenance estimates.
Buckingham Palace may become the official residence of the English monarch, a public museum or a luxury conference centre hosting seminars about regional inequality.
London campaigners want sections converted into social housing.
Royal officials said this could create security problems.
Campaigners replied that security concerns should not stand in the way of justice, provided the campaigners themselves are not allocated the ground-floor flat facing the tourists.
England will also inherit responsibility for royal security, transport and ceremonial events.
Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will contribute according to population, except during years when participation in the monarchy becomes politically inconvenient.
The Treasury described this as a familiar relationship.
Nobody Wants Custody of Prince Andrew
The most difficult negotiation concerns Prince Andrew.
Every CeltExit nation has claimed an equal share of desirable royal assets while arguing that Prince Andrew should remain the responsibility of somewhere else.
Scotland said he lacks sufficient connection to Scotland.
Wales said its proposed royal allocation is already at capacity.
Northern Ireland warned that the issue could destabilise the delicate constitutional balance.
England argued that being geographically present does not establish permanent jurisdiction.
The Royal Assets Commission proposed rotating custody.
Under this arrangement, Andrew would spend January through March in England, April in Scotland, May in Wales and the remaining months inside a secure constitutional footnote.
All four nations rejected the proposal.
Cornwall has offered to take him in exchange for full independence, fishing rights and ownership of three royal estates.
Negotiators described the price as excessive but understandable.
Marxists Demand Crown Jewels Be Redistributed into Community Brooches
Marxist CeltExit campaigners have demanded that the Crown Jewels be melted down and redistributed among the people.
Each citizen would receive approximately one decorative particle and a certificate confirming collective ownership.
The crowns would be replaced with sustainable cardboard headwear produced by a publicly owned cooperative.
Royal palaces would become community centres, government offices and emergency accommodation for conferences on abolishing privilege.
Campaign leaders would occupy the larger rooms temporarily because organising equality requires sufficient desk space.
The monarchy itself would be replaced by an elected People’s Ceremonial Representative.
Candidates would be selected by a committee of activists and then presented to voters for enthusiastic confirmation.
The representative would wave from balconies, open hospitals and deliver speeches condemning inherited power from inside a former palace.
Four Kingdoms, One Exhausted King
CeltExit promises to modernise the monarchy by multiplying its constitutional workload.
The King will appoint four prime ministers, open four parliaments and deliver four versions of every national address.
He will spend Monday in London, Tuesday in Edinburgh, Wednesday in Cardiff and Thursday waiting for clarification from Belfast.
Friday will be reserved for ribbon-cutting, constitutional travel and asking which national anthem is currently playing.
Royal residences will become embassies, museums, government offices and subjects of litigation.
The Crown will remain united, divided, shared and disputed simultaneously.
Britain may disappear, but the monarchy will continue doing what it has done for centuries.
It will survive the political crisis by standing quietly in expensive clothing while everyone else argues about the chairs.
Disclaimer
This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No Crown Jewels were divided during production, although Prince Andrew’s proposed custody schedule remains unsigned.
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